threeamlight
innocence
i’ll meet you in the parking lot where no one’s around and no one can hear my cries of innocence because i’m not shouting them
i’m not even whispering them because how can they destroy something if i’m not speaking it, if no one is.
my suroundings, i never thought they would hold of any importance or rememberance but if i’m not remembering these things what am i remembering?
these great pieces of writing, well, theyre all written down but when everyone’s cool enough now to be inadequate i guess that makes me cool, just throwing me to feling inadequate again.
but something this will never give me, and it gives me a lot, is the physical warmth that we all yearn for. just another body right there next to you. this is nice, as long as it’s not their soul that rests with mine because as much as i need more emotion and heartache to write with the thought of loving again repulses me. the thought that anyone can replace a first love. just someone there, im a completely dependent individual. scratchy scrawly, im dependent on ... writing? if i have emotion its put down on page but now everything is so helter-skelter that the topics never stick and things don’t make sense.
i’m not even whispering them because how can they destroy something if i’m not speaking it, if no one is.
my suroundings, i never thought they would hold of any importance or rememberance but if i’m not remembering these things what am i remembering?
these great pieces of writing, well, theyre all written down but when everyone’s cool enough now to be inadequate i guess that makes me cool, just throwing me to feling inadequate again.
but something this will never give me, and it gives me a lot, is the physical warmth that we all yearn for. just another body right there next to you. this is nice, as long as it’s not their soul that rests with mine because as much as i need more emotion and heartache to write with the thought of loving again repulses me. the thought that anyone can replace a first love. just someone there, im a completely dependent individual. scratchy scrawly, im dependent on ... writing? if i have emotion its put down on page but now everything is so helter-skelter that the topics never stick and things don’t make sense.
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the extent of my writing
:
my wishlist:
anything from william blake or sylvia plath *i’ve so wanted for years*
a new rockin’ snowboard
a new rockin’ life
such pretty prose, these days. this is how it comes out.. my thoughts are mean.
my wishlist:
anything from william blake or sylvia plath *i’ve so wanted for years*
a new rockin’ snowboard
a new rockin’ life
such pretty prose, these days. this is how it comes out.. my thoughts are mean.
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wow
yay for melo being back up.
lots of things have been happening. last saturday mike daven and i had an interesting night in the cemetary, and breaking into the church. i don’t think i will ever forget that night. as for daven, we’re not really together... but i dont really care. it pissed me off at first, because in school he would want nothing to do with me or would talk about other girls and than outside of school it would be like he couldn’t keep his hands off of me.
hm. so, anyway.. halloween was fun. colette and allie’s party turned out to be better than expected. people actually started moving around towards the end.
uhm yesterday i went to see les mis with sally, which was fun. and today i taught my first sunday school class, it wasn’t a disaster, and had another game which i played decent in but we still didnt win, and then tonight i went to the mall with allie, colette, mia, ric, jon towle, stasi, and lau. lots of fun.
i wish i got to hang out with kingstoners and rhinebeckers more. stasi and i just had a long conversation about rhinebeckers - it was quite entertaining. but we analyzed them the same way... and then started talking about it. they’re so hard to get close to. with the exception of a couple of them, it seems like you can’t form a close friendship with them. and maybe they dont want to.
oh well, im tired. goodnight.
lots of things have been happening. last saturday mike daven and i had an interesting night in the cemetary, and breaking into the church. i don’t think i will ever forget that night. as for daven, we’re not really together... but i dont really care. it pissed me off at first, because in school he would want nothing to do with me or would talk about other girls and than outside of school it would be like he couldn’t keep his hands off of me.
hm. so, anyway.. halloween was fun. colette and allie’s party turned out to be better than expected. people actually started moving around towards the end.
uhm yesterday i went to see les mis with sally, which was fun. and today i taught my first sunday school class, it wasn’t a disaster, and had another game which i played decent in but we still didnt win, and then tonight i went to the mall with allie, colette, mia, ric, jon towle, stasi, and lau. lots of fun.
i wish i got to hang out with kingstoners and rhinebeckers more. stasi and i just had a long conversation about rhinebeckers - it was quite entertaining. but we analyzed them the same way... and then started talking about it. they’re so hard to get close to. with the exception of a couple of them, it seems like you can’t form a close friendship with them. and maybe they dont want to.
oh well, im tired. goodnight.
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hitting the highlights
hazeledgold: no relationship is handed to you, i just think that if we really wanted to do it, there has to be a way
grungegandhi: wanted --- do you want to have a relationship?
hazeledgold: its hard for me to say, because it matters in a large way how you feel. and now im probably acting passive, and you said you didnt want to get into that sort of thing. honestly, i think it could work wonderfully
grungegandhi: yeah it’s not something i could answer with a simple yes or no either... out of all the people in redhook highschool you’re the only one i’d feel comfortable having a full on relationship with... but i’m not sure if i’m that comfortable in general yet... i don’t know, with the parents and all. i guess what i’m saying is, i want to have a relationship with you, but the nature of which i have no clue
grungegandhi: (18:06:27) MI KEG ODD AMNIT: YOu can just hang out a lot like friends and stuff but then have private time
(18:06:33) MI KEG ODD AMNIT: Private time you don’t really talk about anyway
(18:06:39) grungegandhi: that would be an ideal relationship
and then...
MI KEG ODD AMNIT: This is the make nicole and daven an item chat
grungegandhi: haha
MI KEG ODD AMNIT: any objections?
grungegandhi: not really.
MI KEG ODD AMNIT: Nicole?
hazeledgold: no objections
MI KEG ODD AMNIT: ok
MI KEG ODD AMNIT: By the power vested in me by me I declare you an item.
im rather glad mike wouldn’t put up with any of our bullshit. i was getting rather sick of it myself. hah, i was way too lazy to type all this.
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strawberry
last night daven came over. to quote gottlieb, "it’s unfortunate how ugly the word freshman is." he’s a senior, and im a freshman, even though we’re only a year apart. i have major relationship issues. he’s bad at communicating, and i hate that. so many things to fear
so last night went and happened, and it definitely brought out some feelings that i never knew daven had for me. we avoided it and each other today, i loathe it being like that. then i had a long talk with gottlieb, kind of confirming daven’s actions. but i dont want to have to talk to gottlieb about all this, even though he’s being a good friend and such, i want to be able to talk to daven... which is not like i’m not able to, its just that we haven’t yet. and we’re both apprehensive, i think that’s the right word, about everything.
during the night he expressed feelings, and that he had intentions of this happening. than afterwards it seemed he had been placing it all on the alcohol we had been drinking .. ?
hopefully we shall have some kind of talk tomorrow.
so last night went and happened, and it definitely brought out some feelings that i never knew daven had for me. we avoided it and each other today, i loathe it being like that. then i had a long talk with gottlieb, kind of confirming daven’s actions. but i dont want to have to talk to gottlieb about all this, even though he’s being a good friend and such, i want to be able to talk to daven... which is not like i’m not able to, its just that we haven’t yet. and we’re both apprehensive, i think that’s the right word, about everything.
during the night he expressed feelings, and that he had intentions of this happening. than afterwards it seemed he had been placing it all on the alcohol we had been drinking .. ?
hopefully we shall have some kind of talk tomorrow.
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the brokenness inside as hope and less collide
from the non-internet diary:
(think bright-eyes style)
yeah i have a game today and yeah, it’d be great if you showed up like you did before, when things were good and i knew where i was going. it’s been a month today, both rainy days. the difference is that last time it started raining and you leaned down to kiss me. i could feel the rain pouring over my face and nothing could be better, it was all coming together. but it’s been raining hard for some time now and i heard you’ve been complaining about how alone you feel. and this just doesn’t sit right with the person that wants to hold you until the end of forever. i can’t wait to contradict myself and kick you out of my head (maybe when forever ends i’ll see you again)
meh.. you think...?
morrissey:
i am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
i am the son and heir
or nothing in particular
you shut your mouth
how can you say
i go about things the wrong way
i am human and i need to be loved
just like everybody else does
there’s a club if you’d like to go
you could meet somebody who really loves you
so you go, and you stand on your own
and you leave on your own
and you go home ,and you cry
and you want to die
when you say its gonna happen ’’now’’
well, when exactly do you mean ?
see i’ve already waited too long
and all my hope is gone
i need more melo friends. nothing particuarly exciting happened today. i got second place in homecoming. my parents wouldn’t let mike drive me. so he dropped me off after emily jared him and i went out to dinner. i thought my parents were gonna be home so i was nervous the entire time but they didnt come home till two hours after i. the animosity.
(think bright-eyes style)
yeah i have a game today and yeah, it’d be great if you showed up like you did before, when things were good and i knew where i was going. it’s been a month today, both rainy days. the difference is that last time it started raining and you leaned down to kiss me. i could feel the rain pouring over my face and nothing could be better, it was all coming together. but it’s been raining hard for some time now and i heard you’ve been complaining about how alone you feel. and this just doesn’t sit right with the person that wants to hold you until the end of forever. i can’t wait to contradict myself and kick you out of my head (maybe when forever ends i’ll see you again)
meh.. you think...?
morrissey:
i am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
i am the son and heir
or nothing in particular
you shut your mouth
how can you say
i go about things the wrong way
i am human and i need to be loved
just like everybody else does
there’s a club if you’d like to go
you could meet somebody who really loves you
so you go, and you stand on your own
and you leave on your own
and you go home ,and you cry
and you want to die
when you say its gonna happen ’’now’’
well, when exactly do you mean ?
see i’ve already waited too long
and all my hope is gone
i need more melo friends. nothing particuarly exciting happened today. i got second place in homecoming. my parents wouldn’t let mike drive me. so he dropped me off after emily jared him and i went out to dinner. i thought my parents were gonna be home so i was nervous the entire time but they didnt come home till two hours after i. the animosity.
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dear everything
dear everything
i’m quietly being torn apart in this warm sunlight, this bathing heat giving me pins and needles as i stumble down this long road to destruction, littered with bottles ive vanquished and tears ive dispatched of. i keep a picture of you in the hollow of my head for reference because in this congregation theres no segregation and all our antagonists are saints to look up to. dont think of me as a hopeless romantic as much as just hopeless...i’m not going to change the world and maybe it wont stop spinning, maybe it’l make room for us and maybe i’m too used up to know any better. for now i’ll keep you on the tip of my tongue and out of my reach for both our own good
sincerely,
broken
my friend cory’s... is this not amazing.
i’m quietly being torn apart in this warm sunlight, this bathing heat giving me pins and needles as i stumble down this long road to destruction, littered with bottles ive vanquished and tears ive dispatched of. i keep a picture of you in the hollow of my head for reference because in this congregation theres no segregation and all our antagonists are saints to look up to. dont think of me as a hopeless romantic as much as just hopeless...i’m not going to change the world and maybe it wont stop spinning, maybe it’l make room for us and maybe i’m too used up to know any better. for now i’ll keep you on the tip of my tongue and out of my reach for both our own good
sincerely,
broken
my friend cory’s... is this not amazing.
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nobody writes like they used to
you have to let go sometime. but how do you force it ?
where love once whispered now lies an obsession of hate. love once lingered there even if it was late.
once {upon a time] there was a little girl who loved to ponder the world
a clear night when she was all alone she took a walk to where the peaceful rest and lay among them,
letting the cold seep through her
maybe tonight would be the night to receive some answers
maybe tonight would be the night
"someone take control of me, tell me what to do, how to act"
[but no one told me i was asking a sky that was as lonely as i]
our little girl wasn’t very good at telling time
she knew she wasn’t very good at anything
so she got up and ran from her throughts
[she ran so hard from you]
but when there are only memories to run from you’ll be down and gasping for breath while they stroll up beside you and wait patiently to be received.
our protagonist would not be discouraged (yet) but she ran into a puddle shaped like a heart
"oh how we both love the rain, oh how you broke my heart"
if only she had the courage to step into this puddle and shatter it, like you shattered her. just for closure.
why didn’t i take that moment and preserve it in a fishbowl with some formadahyde, to have us like that forever?
even empty handed you have to return home...
though mother yells and father hits, you’ll always have these memories to hold onto.
hold onto them and you can block everything else out
but it’s all for your own protection, little girl, don’t you see?
everyone is here to protect you [and tell you lies]
"no i don’t want to see"
[or be seen]
where love once whispered now lies an obsession of hate. love once lingered there even if it was late.
once {upon a time] there was a little girl who loved to ponder the world
a clear night when she was all alone she took a walk to where the peaceful rest and lay among them,
letting the cold seep through her
maybe tonight would be the night to receive some answers
maybe tonight would be the night
"someone take control of me, tell me what to do, how to act"
[but no one told me i was asking a sky that was as lonely as i]
our little girl wasn’t very good at telling time
she knew she wasn’t very good at anything
so she got up and ran from her throughts
[she ran so hard from you]
but when there are only memories to run from you’ll be down and gasping for breath while they stroll up beside you and wait patiently to be received.
our protagonist would not be discouraged (yet) but she ran into a puddle shaped like a heart
"oh how we both love the rain, oh how you broke my heart"
if only she had the courage to step into this puddle and shatter it, like you shattered her. just for closure.
why didn’t i take that moment and preserve it in a fishbowl with some formadahyde, to have us like that forever?
even empty handed you have to return home...
though mother yells and father hits, you’ll always have these memories to hold onto.
hold onto them and you can block everything else out
but it’s all for your own protection, little girl, don’t you see?
everyone is here to protect you [and tell you lies]
"no i don’t want to see"
[or be seen]
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liberation
when i think of you i get this awful feeling
in my stomach
and i want to throw up repeatedly
id like to eradicate you from my insides
and leave you dripping on the floor
[i would never leave you]
lying there crying
for someone to come and save you
[help me]
i used a knife to liberate myself
now she’s on the floor
her unsuccessful attempts to extract me
[weren’t working...
they weren’t working fast enough for me]
i used a knife to cut my way out
and im sorry, dear, if your heart got in the way
i just needed to find myself.
beautiful dry your eyes
and wipe yourself clean
your motivations are irrelevant now
and your turn to cry has long passed
if you ever gave me anything,
it has been the turn to cry
someone will save you...
and we all know who it is
[i could jump up and down screaming ’it isn’t me it isn’t me’ but i don’t think anyone would be listening]
in my stomach
and i want to throw up repeatedly
id like to eradicate you from my insides
and leave you dripping on the floor
[i would never leave you]
lying there crying
for someone to come and save you
[help me]
i used a knife to liberate myself
now she’s on the floor
her unsuccessful attempts to extract me
[weren’t working...
they weren’t working fast enough for me]
i used a knife to cut my way out
and im sorry, dear, if your heart got in the way
i just needed to find myself.
beautiful dry your eyes
and wipe yourself clean
your motivations are irrelevant now
and your turn to cry has long passed
if you ever gave me anything,
it has been the turn to cry
someone will save you...
and we all know who it is
[i could jump up and down screaming ’it isn’t me it isn’t me’ but i don’t think anyone would be listening]
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it all comes down to wishes
so i can be alone, instead of being torn between wanting to be alone, and seeing all these people that might be friendly, but ...
its probably all for the better. no hopes, no disappointment.
ive been writing a lot. check it out.
my clothes are bundled at the bottom of my bed - on top of my floor
im laying on the bottom staring up at the falling stars
but i dont think they could fall as low as im lying
[you promised never to lie to me well i guess you didnt]
i used to wish upon these falling stars
[when i felt as high as them, an equal]
maybe someday the heavens will come crashing down
and ill be having some company [some light]
if they dont burn out first.
i used to think it ironic to wish upon something falling
falling
falling
out of the sky
but now it seems reasonable
[would you ever reason with me again?]
the only thing that does.
it all comes down to wishing.
but now the sky is filled with gray clouds that seem so endless.
i sit at the edge of the chapel.
an inhaled breath, stuttering on the edge of silence.
and still i cry for you
praying [can anyone fucking hear me]
hoping [to regain consciousness sometime soon]
[because it all comes down to] wishing
[a cold day - bundle yourself in sweatshirts and blankets, take what security you can]
tear my eyes from the skies so the tears hit bottom
its probably all for the better. no hopes, no disappointment.
ive been writing a lot. check it out.
my clothes are bundled at the bottom of my bed - on top of my floor
im laying on the bottom staring up at the falling stars
but i dont think they could fall as low as im lying
[you promised never to lie to me well i guess you didnt]
i used to wish upon these falling stars
[when i felt as high as them, an equal]
maybe someday the heavens will come crashing down
and ill be having some company [some light]
if they dont burn out first.
i used to think it ironic to wish upon something falling
falling
falling
out of the sky
but now it seems reasonable
[would you ever reason with me again?]
the only thing that does.
it all comes down to wishing.
but now the sky is filled with gray clouds that seem so endless.
i sit at the edge of the chapel.
an inhaled breath, stuttering on the edge of silence.
and still i cry for you
praying [can anyone fucking hear me]
hoping [to regain consciousness sometime soon]
[because it all comes down to] wishing
[a cold day - bundle yourself in sweatshirts and blankets, take what security you can]
tear my eyes from the skies so the tears hit bottom
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too much caring
i love you. because i don’t know you. i love what i dont know because it hasn’t disappointed me yet, i want what i dont have because .... i know what i want - if i could have it ? why is this the only thing that seems to bring me real joy??? and if i cant have it, why do i hold onto the thought for so long ? i do want to let everything go.
[i want you]
STRAYLIGHT RUN
when the sun came up
we were sleeping in
sunk inside our blankets
sprawled across the bed
and we were dreaming
there are moments when i know it
and the world revolves around us
and we’re keeping it
keeping it all going
this delicate balance
vulnerable
all knowing
(sing like you think no one’s listening)
you would kill for this
just a little bit
so, sing me something soft
sad and delicate
or loud and out of key
sing me anything
we’re glad for what we’ve got
done with what we’ve lost
our whole lives laid out right in front of us
daven allie and i copied the paper today. we got thrown out of the hospital... it made for a quite amusing day. daven has to serve eight hours of community service- i feel quite badly. but he said it was ok... i gave him four hours of my time, to make up for it because i can’t take his volunteer hours. i dont think he’s going to use them, but ahh well.
[i want you]
STRAYLIGHT RUN
when the sun came up
we were sleeping in
sunk inside our blankets
sprawled across the bed
and we were dreaming
there are moments when i know it
and the world revolves around us
and we’re keeping it
keeping it all going
this delicate balance
vulnerable
all knowing
(sing like you think no one’s listening)
you would kill for this
just a little bit
so, sing me something soft
sad and delicate
or loud and out of key
sing me anything
we’re glad for what we’ve got
done with what we’ve lost
our whole lives laid out right in front of us
daven allie and i copied the paper today. we got thrown out of the hospital... it made for a quite amusing day. daven has to serve eight hours of community service- i feel quite badly. but he said it was ok... i gave him four hours of my time, to make up for it because i can’t take his volunteer hours. i dont think he’s going to use them, but ahh well.
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meep
i haven’t really been updating lately. this past week everyone’s been having drama. ric kissed maureen at her birthday party, than on satuday night asked mia out without teling mia about maureen. mia broke up with ric monday morning when he told her and both have been walking around school all emo this entire week. more sad stuff that im not going to expand on, because my entire body’s shaking, but tuesday i brought in home made cookies for everyone to cheer them up... no one really got happy though. wednesday... i think - i went to the hospital because of my shoulder. i sprained my acromial clavicular and can’t use my right shoulder for the next two weeks. its not so bad, because its only two weeks, and i get a break from having to be overly active when lots of stuff is going on. went to mock trial today because gay straight alliance was cancelled and think i might join that. because its getting really cold im going to sum this up.. this weekend a couple kingston girls and i wanna get a good crew together to go to the haunted hayrides over the river, which should be fun. ive wanted to do that for a couple of years now. and than colette wanted us to sleep over to help plan her halloween party.. muchos buenos. the days go well because i sleep through them.. being high has its ups and downs. it kind of hurts but than again its like being in a lull.
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it all comes down to wishes
if you or anyone like you was better off without me than away i will walk because i only want the best for you.
can i just break down and fall into your arms ?
[its so cold..]
can i just break down and fall into your arms ?
[its so cold..]
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friday
well, the only unfortunate news of the day is that the storm decided to pass us by, even though the lights were flickering all day and there was wind.. goodness :)
so i bugged the people to let me off of work early, but i only got out at like 9. than me ric allie and jim griffin headed off to steves surprise party... which at that time wasn’t a surprise. so we arrived, and i gave steve his present and he said it was the best present yet, that made me happy. (there were three goldfish in a bag... along with a cd and strawberry shortcake but those weren’t the cool parts) twas a good party... some awkward moments because i didn’t really know anyone - well, i knew them but not that well. but i tried not to care about awkwardness like i usually do and just went crazyish. so i had fun meeting new people and dancing :) i got to see reid, which was ok... as of now, i still have feelings for him.. and even if nothing comes out of this i just wouldn’t want to lose him as a friend, because i enjoy spending time with him. yupp. but that, unfortunately, probably will happen *the whole not getting to see him thing* meh. who knows,
goodnight
so i bugged the people to let me off of work early, but i only got out at like 9. than me ric allie and jim griffin headed off to steves surprise party... which at that time wasn’t a surprise. so we arrived, and i gave steve his present and he said it was the best present yet, that made me happy. (there were three goldfish in a bag... along with a cd and strawberry shortcake but those weren’t the cool parts) twas a good party... some awkward moments because i didn’t really know anyone - well, i knew them but not that well. but i tried not to care about awkwardness like i usually do and just went crazyish. so i had fun meeting new people and dancing :) i got to see reid, which was ok... as of now, i still have feelings for him.. and even if nothing comes out of this i just wouldn’t want to lose him as a friend, because i enjoy spending time with him. yupp. but that, unfortunately, probably will happen *the whole not getting to see him thing* meh. who knows,
goodnight
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meh
ive had a bad day
i saw reid. that was the only good thing. but i dunno, i feel like... i dont know how to explain it. that im not good enough for him, and i dont know how any of this is working and i can’t fathom how he could even look at me . oh.. it hasn’t been so bad but today i was just acting strange.. i dont know. and than i apologized and said something stupid of some sort... i always think stupid things like that are gonna make something drastically bad happen. i like him a lot.. the last time i liked someone so much my heart broke and i went into a state of depression for a couple of months. its not even that, really.
its just.. i dont know. im scared, in a way. my insecurities could eat me alive
i saw reid. that was the only good thing. but i dunno, i feel like... i dont know how to explain it. that im not good enough for him, and i dont know how any of this is working and i can’t fathom how he could even look at me . oh.. it hasn’t been so bad but today i was just acting strange.. i dont know. and than i apologized and said something stupid of some sort... i always think stupid things like that are gonna make something drastically bad happen. i like him a lot.. the last time i liked someone so much my heart broke and i went into a state of depression for a couple of months. its not even that, really.
its just.. i dont know. im scared, in a way. my insecurities could eat me alive
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pure petroleum (sign) jelly
i have nothing else to write about besides my day:
i got up. went to church. got ready for my soccer game, and proceeded to go to the game. the first half was poor, they scored a goal on us. i played center defending and wasn’t very good at it. the second half was there, and reid still hadn’t come so i didn’t think he was going to come, but he found the field eventually. the second half i was put in sweeper and played well, i guess. i was pleased. afterwards reid and i walked back to my house, on the way we stopped because i pointed out goats to him that we could go see.. it was relevant, it really was. anyway, so we get there and it starts pouring rain.. we were just standing in the rain for a bit
this story will have to be to be continued. if i ever get around to it
i got up. went to church. got ready for my soccer game, and proceeded to go to the game. the first half was poor, they scored a goal on us. i played center defending and wasn’t very good at it. the second half was there, and reid still hadn’t come so i didn’t think he was going to come, but he found the field eventually. the second half i was put in sweeper and played well, i guess. i was pleased. afterwards reid and i walked back to my house, on the way we stopped because i pointed out goats to him that we could go see.. it was relevant, it really was. anyway, so we get there and it starts pouring rain.. we were just standing in the rain for a bit
this story will have to be to be continued. if i ever get around to it
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last night
i was with reid tonight. im a little skeptical about putting a couple of my other feelings in here... they will stay in my head for now.
things started happening. and i was debating with myself.. i still dont know if i made the right choice. i think i did, anyway. i stopped us from doing anything drastic, ok so it wasn’t extremely drastic, but i still stopped it and i tried to explain to him what .. i was thinking and im not sure if it came out right. but here’s how i explained it. *i curled up in a little ball,* and i said that "in the past i’ve done some things with guys that i haven’t necessarily wanted to do. and because i wasn’t very involved with them it didn’t make it matter that much. but i really like you, and that’s why. does that make sense?" and he said it did... i hope he understands. i mean, it seemed like it.. than later that night he told me that he understands what i was saying, and that he really respects that, and he respects that i could say it even more.
i just want this to work out. it seems too good to be true.
things started happening. and i was debating with myself.. i still dont know if i made the right choice. i think i did, anyway. i stopped us from doing anything drastic, ok so it wasn’t extremely drastic, but i still stopped it and i tried to explain to him what .. i was thinking and im not sure if it came out right. but here’s how i explained it. *i curled up in a little ball,* and i said that "in the past i’ve done some things with guys that i haven’t necessarily wanted to do. and because i wasn’t very involved with them it didn’t make it matter that much. but i really like you, and that’s why. does that make sense?" and he said it did... i hope he understands. i mean, it seemed like it.. than later that night he told me that he understands what i was saying, and that he really respects that, and he respects that i could say it even more.
i just want this to work out. it seems too good to be true.
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i need more melo friends
ive been quite happy these past couple of days. today in global i reminded myself that the happier you are the more room there is to fall. but im still happy... i just hope a reason to be sad doesn’t arise.
hold me sweetly, like those days we bled with love. a red so deep we sunk
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asdf
so the first week of school is school, it really sucks. at least i can say that i like a lot of my classes. the only one im DREADING is math... but who wouldn’t dread that class? melo-ing lately has been hard, ive been super busy. pat is gonna teach me how to develop pkictures, im so excited :) :) mine always seem to get lost in the process from the film back from the store. as for what ive been feeling lately, its not much of anything... that i want to record that is. ive been talking to dan brown a lot lately, he calls me all the time. this makes me relatively happy, because he makes me laugh sometimes and he’s a good person. we talk about a lot. well, he talks a lot and i listen a lot. but this is ok because its what im good at.
in global we’re studying the events that are happening/ have been happening in israel and judaism. this reminds me of yossi. grace throws me sympathetic looks across the room. but all is well. he got my letter, he couldn’t read it. hmm... i must go off to work *all friday night *
in global we’re studying the events that are happening/ have been happening in israel and judaism. this reminds me of yossi. grace throws me sympathetic looks across the room. but all is well. he got my letter, he couldn’t read it. hmm... i must go off to work *all friday night *
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i know ive been a bad meloaddict lately... sorry :(
so this weekend i went camping with mia at my familys cabin... we slept under the stars in the back of the pickup, and stared up at the stars. i would like to say taht i came home with some new outlook on life from being out there, staring into the universe and thinking about things but i can only say that i think i might have figured myself out for a little while.
so i miss you and ill hope for better days. i miss everyone.
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enlightenment
and lately ive been letting my mind wander. itll go back to those times we worked through broken english, smiles and laughs. soaring through the air hoping to accomplish the undefeatable and then it will cross the atlantic and down to a land full of hate
fuck shit
fuck shit
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hectic.
ive not been updating
quite sorry.
ive been signing up for tons of new websites like face the jury and friendster. so, i haven’t been doing much of anything lately. today my mom took allie and i to lake taghanick... we hung out there - it was fun. renting paddle boats and having conversations with the renter guy. we came home, showered and than i pulled grace along on her rollerblades to mill road where we met allie. this creepy guy showed up so we all decided to leave. we went back to allies and her mom decided to take us to ice cream so we went all the way to kingston to friendly’s. we were so hyper, but it was packed and they were backed up with orders- in all - it took a long time, and it wasn’t that great. so we came back listening to ghetto music and dancing. much fun. we hung around at allies after, just talking and lying around. so, i got driven home and am henceforth tired tired tired.
around the house all we ever do is fight... its so horrible. i can’t take it any more. more than once ive packed up my little ll bean backpack and wanted to head for the door before i stopped myself, let out a little psycho laugh, and thought where would i go? hah.
quite sorry.
ive been signing up for tons of new websites like face the jury and friendster. so, i haven’t been doing much of anything lately. today my mom took allie and i to lake taghanick... we hung out there - it was fun. renting paddle boats and having conversations with the renter guy. we came home, showered and than i pulled grace along on her rollerblades to mill road where we met allie. this creepy guy showed up so we all decided to leave. we went back to allies and her mom decided to take us to ice cream so we went all the way to kingston to friendly’s. we were so hyper, but it was packed and they were backed up with orders- in all - it took a long time, and it wasn’t that great. so we came back listening to ghetto music and dancing. much fun. we hung around at allies after, just talking and lying around. so, i got driven home and am henceforth tired tired tired.
around the house all we ever do is fight... its so horrible. i can’t take it any more. more than once ive packed up my little ll bean backpack and wanted to head for the door before i stopped myself, let out a little psycho laugh, and thought where would i go? hah.
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Coheed
two nights ago i went to see Coheed and Cambria at the Chance. it was completely amazing. words cannot describe.
we were standing at the door, not sure if we were gonna get in - the ticket guy said there were only a couple of tickets left, but they packed the place with 900 people, about 90 people over. anyway the first band that played was allright. i wouldn’t choose to listen to them over other stuff, the guitarists just played two basic power chords for each song. the music wasn’t so complicated, but good enough.
the second band that played, supergoat was, in my opinion, quite good. when the guy first opened his mouth i thought they were going to be annoying but they wound up be great. unfortunately they weren’t selling a cd.
the third band, Three, was pretty shitty. everyone said they were going to be really good, but i didn’t enjoy them as much. they were really repetetive, and the music wasnt grabbing at all. i do have to say that the guy’s voice could do some cool stuff, though.
and onto coheed... what can you really say about coheed live? coheed in general? amazing, great, fantastic, beyond belief... nope that doesnt really describe it. it was so much more. everyone was going crazy, and i was squashed in between tons of people and the energy was crazy, everyone was screaming along people were jumping on stage adn diving off.
amazing...
we were standing at the door, not sure if we were gonna get in - the ticket guy said there were only a couple of tickets left, but they packed the place with 900 people, about 90 people over. anyway the first band that played was allright. i wouldn’t choose to listen to them over other stuff, the guitarists just played two basic power chords for each song. the music wasn’t so complicated, but good enough.
the second band that played, supergoat was, in my opinion, quite good. when the guy first opened his mouth i thought they were going to be annoying but they wound up be great. unfortunately they weren’t selling a cd.
the third band, Three, was pretty shitty. everyone said they were going to be really good, but i didn’t enjoy them as much. they were really repetetive, and the music wasnt grabbing at all. i do have to say that the guy’s voice could do some cool stuff, though.
and onto coheed... what can you really say about coheed live? coheed in general? amazing, great, fantastic, beyond belief... nope that doesnt really describe it. it was so much more. everyone was going crazy, and i was squashed in between tons of people and the energy was crazy, everyone was screaming along people were jumping on stage adn diving off.
amazing...
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oooh
i like muscles
i like boys
i like boys’ muscles
i like boys’ hips...
mmmm
yummy.
i want to eat a yummy boy.
i like boys
i like boys’ muscles
i like boys’ hips...
mmmm
yummy.
i want to eat a yummy boy.
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the starting line
And if I stop breathing keep your arms around me.
[[please dont leave me without saying goodbye]]
[[please dont leave me without saying goodbye]]
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a thought. compiled ones.
Its two thirty and im crying to myself lying in bed but not to sleep resisting an urge that would have never been brought back to life if everyone hadn
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