he is perfect. to me at least. everything ive ever wanted, needed...i dont want him to ever leave me...i couldnt handle it. i hate that i have grown dependant upon him. i dont want to depend on anyone but myself. i didnt want to get attached...but i did. i didnt want to fall in love...but i did. looks like if i dont want something to happen, its going to happen.
but this, i believe, is the best thing that could have happened to me. he loves me...and cares about me...and everyone at clay says im all he talks about...oi...boys...i rarely get to see him though...and it sucks. but then again, it makes what time we do spend together even more meaningful. im always in his arms...and i adore it. its the safest place in the world to be.
and i need to feel safe right now.
dont ask why
never ask why

I'm so afraid that I'm too clingy. That he'll leave me. He's the only thing I have to keep me going. I don't know what I'll do without him...gods I love him. I want to see him every minute of every day. But I can't and I hate it. I hate feeling that way. I didn't want to get attached. But look what happened...more attached then I've ever been. What to do what to do...

I want to fall asleep in his arms again...feel his skin against mine...damn...I am clingy....

Drew is good at making me feel bad about my vices. He is against drugs and drinking to make yourself feel better. I've just been doing it for years...I mean, there were periods where for days I would just smoke and smoke and drink 'till i couldnt stand up. He was saying last night I shouldnt drink to get rid of my problems...'cause I was talking to him after I got wasted. Scott told him I had been drinking, but he didt need to. Drew could just tell. I'm quite the placid drunk. Usually I am hyper as fuck. I feel horrible...like i'm a disapointment to him. I dunno...I hate being so melancoly.

In a world where nothing is perfect. In a world where the sky is the sea. A girl that looks like a china doll. Is waiting for you and for me. She caresses my face, runs her hands down my body. Kisses me sweetly and loves me til the end and beyond. Hands roaming. Her soul is so fufilling...All I want is her in my arms. But he is so possesing. Filling me completely. nothing matters but the pleasure. His touch is all around me. Surrounding. Completing. A cigarette is all I need now. What will come in the end? Who will be there in the end? All I want is love. I need both of them. Who will I choose? The woman or the man? Oh darling...who will I choose?

So....Im going out with this guy Drew now. I will never get my pillar, or Tay, so I might as well look for love somewhere else. Hes a great guy, too. Even with all my baggage hes staying with me.

What baggage you ask? Ill tell you what fucking baggage.

My mom is going crazy. After I was allowed back into my house without threats of the hospital, I was grounded and told I was going to a christian school. That I would never be allowed back into Clay as long as she was alive. Then I wasnt allowed to be left alone or use the phone. Mum is going to be makeing me move to Homewood and go to JOHN. FUCKING. CAROL. A catholic school. Damnit...And that was just the short version. I left a lot of shit out.

Sica is good to me though, too. I made her cry one day which makes me sad. But at least I got her Scott. She got him before I got Drew though...Eh, Im over it.

Im going to Austin, Texas on Saturday. Ill be there for a week. I will hit up many parties and go to an acting writing/preformance workshop at some collage. Fun fun. And I might even come back with a five string bass. Wouldn't that rock. Oh yeah baby.

But I am at a friends house. She turned 17 today. Ill be getting her a Buddah figure from White Crane cause I was notified of this yesterday. But its all good. I am off. Buh bye.

Ive been dazed and confused so long its not true
Wanted a woman never bargained for you

Why is she coming here? She said she wanted new friends. Because it would be too awkward to be my friend after this. Im confused. I am starting to feel numb, so the awkwardness would be completely on her part. Id be completely normal towards her. Except you know...for the crawling all over her like I usually do...wont do that...But anyway...

My pillar of strength wont answer his house phone, wont get online, and his cell phone is turned off. I am starting to worry. I hope nothing has happen to him. That he is just pissy. Oh well...what can you do. My pillar is quite the moody one. Cant help but adore the child though.

Send him straight to Broadway!

Is it wrong of one to hate what you cannot buy? Is it wrong of one to want to feel nothing? Is it wrong of one to do what they must to accomplish this? If so, then this one is in the wrong. Oh no, how dreadful. I dont know how one will ever survive.

Tootles.

SO....Erika-kun is over at my house...shes staying the night again. She does so because mommy is cooking and so I wont go on a killing spree..Im a touch pissy right now...Shes playing FFX-2 on my PS2 cause hers is at her boyfriends. Poor thing...I almost die without mine. Shes still not used to the new fighting system...its already chapter three...ugh...She beat Devil May Cry in a matter of HOURS but is having problems with this...sometimes I worry. Eh, oh well.

So I joked around and rubbed another girl through her jeans while she was on top of me. Big fucking deal. Taylor and I arent even dating. She has no business telling me Im in the wrong. EsPECIALLY since she wont stop fucking talking about that chick with the baby. How would she feel if I talked about Will all the goddamn time, huh? Fuck her. Seriously.

I'm ungrounded now...and on muscle relaxers...hurt myself in pe...got hauled off in an ambulance...fun. I hate ambulances...trying to get a job...
David is missing...cant get in touch with him. Dunno if I want to break up with him though...Tay for some reason doesnt seem interested anymore...hell, the last three times I've seen her I didnt get so much as a hug. Kinda makes me sad.
Watched White Oleander and Blazing Saddles. One interesting, one fucking stupid....ugh...Cant believe Sica made me watch that shit. Oh well...
Im out.

My mom is torturing me. Shes telling David all these stupid little baby stories about me. She knows just how to embarass me...oi...

Ghram is giving me a sword with cobras on it. Sweetness...and mommy dearest is giving me bacck mine. YAY!! enough for now...

Hello boys and girls. Today, er, well, tonight, this morning...its time for a drunken rant. Fell special. Not everyone can read this.

So. I have recently decided that people..who dont masturbate...are evil.
Seriously.
A truely human person masturbates. If you dont masturbate, then you are an alien..or some shit like that. Girl or guy, porn is awesome. Your own hand can be your very best friend. I know mine is. Cause I dont get sex. Unfortunatly. But anyway, EVERYONE should masturbate. Its good clean fun. Most of the time. Be it your hand, or a sex toy...its always a good time. I love masturbation. I mean what?? ....I dont like masturbation...no...never..

"You play guitar really well. You must masturbate a lot." My favorite thing to say to Spencer...haha..

What else to rant about...hmm...oh, I know.

PATHOLOGICAL LIARS!!
I have this friend. Jesse Flowers...Who is a pathological liar. It is really quite sad. He pretends to know everything and everyone. Even my recently decesed friend Spoon whom hed never met. It pisses me off to no end. And he only developed this in the last few months. At least that Ive noticed. Its so fucked up. Hell just start talking about something he has no clue about and just lie and lie and FUCKING LIE!! I just want to hit him..say "Jesse, shut the fuck up. Quit fuckin lying all the fuckin time." But then I would have fewer people to buy my smokes. Which is bad. Very bad. But it annoys me to no fuckin end, man...seriously. I wanna kill him sometimes. Just a little bit...

Eh...I think I'm going to help myself to more of my mommys vodka. Yes, this sounds good. Until next time, folks.

I LOVE YOU BUNCHES!!!! *kiss kiss*
~~rabbit~~

Why do I bother going out with anyone in the first place? I really should stop it all together. If they dont kiss and tell then they are assholes in general...Maybe this new one is a good one...He is a dealer, though. I can never get away from the druggies. What makes me so attracted to them? My last boy was a coke-head. My last girl...who knows what all she was on. And no, I dont mean Tay. Who knows?

If I slam my head on the glass can I see through?
Will I see you standing there?
Will you be looking through the glass at me?

Jack Off Jill - Rabbiteen
He said that he would stay forever
forever wasn't very long
He said that he would take the high road
He thought that I was always wrong

Cause when he lied it meant he loved me
And when he lied it meant he cared
And when he lied it meant he loved me
Cause when he lied it meant that he was there

He said that he would go his own way
wrapped up my leg and down my spine
He said that he would be the fairest
Drenched in blood and turpentine

Cause when he lied it meant he loved me
And when he lied it meant he cared
And when he lied it meant he loved me
Cause when he lied it meant that he was there

I am never going back I don't care what he said
I wish he could see the hate in my head
I am never going back I don't care what he said
I wish he could see the hate in my head
I am never going back I don't care what he said
I wish he could see the hate in my head
I am never going back I don't care what he said
I wish he could see the hate

He said that he would tell no secrets
He said that he would never lie
He said that he would spring eternal
He said that we would never die

Cause when he lied it meant he loved me
And when he lied it meant he cared
And when he lied it meant he loved me
Cause when he cried it meant he cared

Cause when he lied it meant he loved me
And when he lied it meant he cared
And when he lied it meant he loved me
Cause when he lied it meant that
he was
he was
he was
He was there

If it wasnt for fuckin TIM i wouldnt have gotten into this whole mess...so heres what happened..

I show up at school today, and Tim asks me for a cig. He drug me off to the bathrooms to give him one, instead of the gym as usual. A teacher walked out of the bathroom right as i was handing him one, so we both were sent to the principles. Well....they ended up searching my purse. Amoung all the things they found that I shouldnt have had at school was a boxcutter. A Class 3.09 offence. In other words...

Im either going to be suspeneded (thats too light of a punishment they say), sent to Alternative school, or expelled.

Soo...to put it simply, I am fucked. Royally.