Why do I allow myself to be swayed so easily? I realize I have no opinion or mind of my own. Darn.

I hate being so subordinate...secondary...I don’t know. I let people step on me because I just care so much about them more than myself that I don’t care if they hurt me or knock me down, as long as they are happy with me.

And then...with other people that I know care about me....its not enough. I have to take them for granted and treat them like..crap?

Then...the people I love the most...I don’t talk to, because they really don’t care about me at all. I just sort of admire them from far away.

Also.

My mind can’t stay on one thing for too long.

I switch subjects really quickly.

Jessica looked really hot today.

Mr. Jansen. I love that man. He is my religion teacher. and I don’t love him because he is a religion teacher. I love him because he’s so damn funny, and sarcastic, and rude to people. Well...clever...but rude. Like...he is always pissing people off and when they complain he laughs it away. I always end up cracking up. And he’s so damn cheesy. and trying to teach me new words. I am getting F’s on my report card this year so I have to go to this after school program where the teachers watch us do our homework. I always go on the days Mr. Jansen is the moderator and he is always calling me these big words I don’t know and it forces him to take the dictionary out and talk to me and stuff. He likes the Simpsons too. He always has the BEST FUCKING HALLOWEEN COSTUMES. Well. I don’t know actually, I’ve only been his student for two years. Haha. I think I’m just obsessed with him. He was an Egyptian Belly Dancer this year....DEAR GOD, I didn’t know he could dance like that....it was sexy but disturbing at the same time because he’s such an intellectual person and seems so straight edge sometimes I just wouldn’t be able to see it. Jessica and I were going nuts. I almost cried. It was really really odd. My face was quite red.

Wow I was able to focus on Mr. Jansen for a long time. Probably because I don’t talk to anyone about this because it would be very wrong, and I’d get made fun of obviously. He is one of the reasons I’m sad that my school is closing. Bleh. I’m going to ask him for his e-mail address at the end of the year, so none of you better let me forget.

Anybody here from Chicago? There are so many damn schools. A lot of the kids I know treat picking their high schools like they are picking a college. I have a whole load of brochures from different schools. I don’t want to go to any other school than the one I am in now. Nobody from my elementary school goes to Good Counsel (my current school...) and I am really happy about that. But that is because Good Counsel has a reputation for being full of lesbians and there are so many damn homophobics around..grr. So. Good Counsel is so unpopular that people are just not enrolling. And so the lost money. 2 million dollars lower than they are supposed to. AND SO. The school is shutting down. All of us have to find somewhere else to go. I really don’t want to lose my friends even though I sort of screwed up stuff so there are....complications. And...I can’t stand them a lot of the time. But I am a lonely needy little fucker so I need them to be around or else I’ll just sit there and look sad and no one will ask me why I look sad.

I wore make-up for the first time...to school anyway...today. And wore kitty ears. People were saying. Michelle. Your eyes. You have eyeliner. Eyeshadow? YOU’RE SO CUTE. *pet pet pet*

Too bad being cute doesn’t get you shit.